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How to improve your relationship

Do you have problems in your relationship?

If things are not going well in a sexual or romantic relationship both partners have to try to understand why things are this way. So, if you are in serious relationship that is in trouble you need to ask a number of questions.

What do you as a couple really want out of the relationship - and are you getting it?

Are you about to leave your partner? Or do you still enjoy your life together? And do not want to loose your partner?

Are you ready to sacrifice time and energy to make your relationship work again?

Who is to blame?

When things are going badly, couples tend to ask which of them is to blame, or which of them is at fault. 'Blame' and 'fault' are not very helpful words. It's better by far for both partners to accept that they share joint responsibility for the relationship and to agree that when they are having problems they should work at them together. In short any relationship is daily hard working. But the same time this kind of “job” does have many positive moments.

How can you improve your relationship?

First of all, in today’s very busy, modern world, you always need to find time for each other. You need to look at your joint schedules and find time when you can be together. This is not easy if you both have separate, hectic careers. It becomes even more difficult when you have children.

Couples frequently visit therapist to ask if they can improve various aspects of their relationship – and then decide that they are both working such long hours that they cannot find a mutually convenient time to fit in an appointment. This is frankly ludicrous. By finding time for each other - they may well find that they never need to see a therapist at all!

It is unlikely that a sex life in trouble will improve greatly if work is not put in on the whole relationship. Of course, there are times when both partners may be very steamed up and the sex may well work wonderfully. But apart from these times, couples often complain that they don’t make love as much as they did, or that one or both partners has lost the urge.

In fact increasingly we are seeing couples – men as well as women – who have little interest in sex. Much of this is undoubtedly due to fatigue at work.

But often a loss of libido can be about resentment or a pervading sense of unhappiness with the relationship itself. And one of the key things here is that you should make sure that you show each other the respect that you did when you first met.

Always remember that your partner is your own choice. Could you choose another man or woman? Answer is: Yes? You could. But you have what you have. Respect yourself and do not blame your own choice. Never.

Frequently, couples stop making an effort with each other. They may insult each other, or they may take each other for granted.

It doesn’t take much effort to add the word ‘please’ or to ask in a different way, such as: ‘Would you mind answering the phone?’

This may sound a small point, and maybe an old-fashioned one, but when couples put demands at each other, it sounds rude and disrespectful. And when this becomes a habit, it can seriously damage the romance that is established between them.

There is one phrase a couple should eliminate from their vocabulary. And that is: ‘The trouble with you is …’ .

This is a war in some degree. Are you a warrior? Is your couple an enemy? Than it is strange that you sitting the same table when you have a dinner, you share the same bad with this person. Isn’t there any contradiction?

Lack of respect can also be shown in appearances in some cases. It is very sad that couples often stop making an effort with how they look. A small thing like changing clothes colors for something brighter or more glamorous in time for dinner – and the woman putting on some make-up, wear a new perfumes and the man bothering to have a shave – can transform a routine evening into more of an occasion. Try it some day soon or maybe tonight and you will see that your, his or her eyes sparkle. And you know this sparkle very well. You missed it very much.

If you have problems You need to talk to each other. Men often say: ‘She just wants to go on and on about things and it drives me mad.’ While their partners say: ‘We never talk.’
Both parties cannot be right!

If you and your partner are not talking, but you know that you need to, it is a good idea to insinuate 'The 10-minute rule'.

The rules are simply. One partner has his or her say for 10 minutes. During this time the other partner listens and does not interrupt.

After 10 minutes, the second partner takes the floor for 10 minutes. Men in particular appreciate the chance to have their say without interruption – and be sure that the conversation will not go on all night.

And another piece of advice - never let your discussion go on for more than an hour. If you both know that you have limited time you will be more concise.

'The 10-minute rule' can give a big lift to your relationship when you talk to each other with respect.

But is there anything else?

Try to have one evening out per week, just the two of you. If you have children this is more difficult to arrange – but it is not impossible. And do try when you have this so-called ‘date’ to avoid talking about your offspring or your work.

A short break away is always good for enlivening a relationship. 96 per cent of women told they felt sexier when they were on holiday – even just a short weekend break.

Another good thing to do is to make sure that you get some old friends round – even if it is just for a supper round the kitchen table. You will have a good laugh and – especially if these friends have known you since the beginning of your relationship – you will feel younger and more carefree as a result.

Apparently, if your relationship is in real trouble and none of the above suggestions help significantly, you might want to consider having some relationship therapy.

What about making improvements to the sexual part of a relationship?

As it is said earlier, your sex life is unlikely to blossom if the relationship is not being looked after. For example, a man may lose interest in sex if his wife is very aggressive in bed or out, or if he feels that she keeps nagging him to do better sexually. Or if she keeps complaining that he does not do his share of the housework. And a woman may feel a lack of interest sexually for a number of reasons including a perception that her man never says he loves her unless he wants sex.

It is not that difficult to say: I love you, I need your help, I liked when you looked at me the way you did when you were making the bed, for example etc. remark and the main thing – outspeak what you have just noticed about your partner.

Having done that, of course there are plenty of ways in which you can liven up your relationship and as a result sex life.

You might try this. The man may make all the suggestions one night and the woman another. This often leads to much greater variety.

You might use fantasies – always supposing that the same sorts of things turn you on.

You might read erotica to each other prior to having sex. Some couples enjoy porn together – usually videos of attractive couples having sex together.

You could play role games. There are many examples of those. but please take into consideration that after those games you need some time ( a few hours) to be apart each other.

Some couples love to dress up or to use vibrators or other sex toys. They might also enjoy reading sex manuals on different sexual positions, or dressing up in sexy lingerie. In short it is up to you what to choose. There are variety of equipment, ways, literature and plus your desires and fantasy will enliven your sex life.

But if you have one of these (such as premature ejaculation, painful intercourse (dyspareunia), or erectile dysfunction (impotence)) – or another sex problem – there are sex therapists who can help.

And if you regard your sex life as having a problem in that it has become stale and boring, then you might also want to benefit from some sex therapy.

Some therapists specialize in helping couples by teaching them techniques where intercourse is banned for a while so that the couple can enjoy focusing on touching and stroking or other forms of love play. This can have a dramatic effect on a flagging relationship.

If you want to contact a specialist in sex and relationship therapy do make sure that you go to someone properly qualified.

Finally, you both with your partner may be reading this article because one or other of you has had an affair – and you are now trying to rebuild your relationship in and out of bed.

You need to rebuild trust to each other too – so please realize that things are unlikely to improve immediately. These things take time, but are well worth working at.


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